Without these 3 values, your declared relationship will have problems.
Sometimes you wonder, in the name of what do you actually do all this?
You work hard. You take care of the health of your loved ones. You plan, set new goals: maybe you buy an apartment or build a house, browse through a holiday brochure...
Maybe there is a board, poster, drawing, or a motto with your values in your house? (we have a small note stuck, our four-word motto)
Maybe it's joy, respect, and help for others? Love? Family? Prosperity?
But I don't want to talk about these life values here. Only about the values in the context of a lasting, happy declared relationship. (By declared relationship, I mean one entered into with the intention of building a life together for many decades, traditionally this would be a marriage. However, not all of my clients can legally get married: unfortunately, they were born in Poland and are of the same sex)
It's about three values essential in a relationship, so that each person feels that they belong, that they are themselves, and that they are important.
COMMUNITY
AUTONOMY
PARTNERSHIP
If one of them falters, something will eventually break in the relationship.
LACK OF COMMUNITY
Hyperindependence (a reaction to trauma), meaning: keeping everything separate, each has their own finances, nothing overlaps - this approach does not serve the happiness of people in a relationship. (Not in theory, but in practice)
LACK OF AUTONOMY
Equally detrimental is merging two into one entity, where everything, absolutely everything, is "ours", so there is no personal space (seen as individuality, a threat to closeness) - and it becomes cramped, there is no room to breathe.
LACK OF PARTNERSHIP
And also partnership, which is traditionally harder in "heterosexual" couples. In Gottman's research, it appears as a basic (and in practice - basic and asymmetrical) condition for a harmonious, happy relationship. It is about accepting the influence of the other person: accepting the perspective and reasons of your "better half" when it makes more sense than your own reasons and perspective. More specifically: the relationship will be harmonious, happy, and lasting when a man accepts the influence of his partner/wife. That is, when he easily recognizes her arguments as equal, takes them as seriously as his own; considers them just as much, and as a result, "his crown does not fall off" when in a given situation, her idea is implemented, not his. (As a rule, women do not have a big problem with accepting the influence of men, so Gottman describes this as asymmetrical)
These three principles: community, autonomy, and partnership, stem from the construction of the human being. Not from ideology, not from theory. Just from pragmatics, from observing people's behavior, from studies on happiness in a couple. Depending on the character of both individuals and the stage in life, community, autonomy, and partnership may be realized in different ways and will not look the same for everyone and in all aspects. However, it is not possible to compromise by sacrificing even one of them, while at the same time avoiding long-term unpleasant consequences.
Which is a clear indication to still take care of this trio and even do a periodic "check-up" to see if everything is okay.
From a financial perspective, these three values are reflected in the financial model of a declared relationship. Because money is symbolic.
But that's a topic for another article.
Sometimes you wonder, in the name of what do you actually do all this?
You work hard. You take care of the health of your loved ones. You plan, set new goals: maybe you buy an apartment or build a house, browse through a holiday brochure...
Maybe there is a board, poster, drawing, or a motto with your values in your house? (we have a small note stuck, our four-word motto)
Maybe it's joy, respect, and help for others? Love? Family? Prosperity?
But I don't want to talk about these life values here. Only about the values in the context of a lasting, happy declared relationship. (By declared relationship, I mean one entered into with the intention of building a life together for many decades, traditionally this would be a marriage. However, not all of my clients can legally get married: unfortunately, they were born in Poland and are of the same sex)
It's about three values essential in a relationship, so that each person feels that they belong, that they are themselves, and that they are important.
COMMUNITY
AUTONOMY
PARTNERSHIP
If one of them falters, something will eventually break in the relationship.
LACK OF COMMUNITY
Hyperindependence (a reaction to trauma), meaning: keeping everything separate, each has their own finances, nothing overlaps - this approach does not serve the happiness of people in a relationship. (Not in theory, but in practice)
LACK OF AUTONOMY
Equally detrimental is merging two into one entity, where everything, absolutely everything, is "ours", so there is no personal space (seen as individuality, a threat to closeness) - and it becomes cramped, there is no room to breathe.
LACK OF PARTNERSHIP
And also partnership, which is traditionally harder in "heterosexual" couples. In Gottman's research, it appears as a basic (and in practice - basic and asymmetrical) condition for a harmonious, happy relationship. It is about accepting the influence of the other person: accepting the perspective and reasons of your "better half" when it makes more sense than your own reasons and perspective. More specifically: the relationship will be harmonious, happy, and lasting when a man accepts the influence of his partner/wife. That is, when he easily recognizes her arguments as equal, takes them as seriously as his own; considers them just as much, and as a result, "his crown does not fall off" when in a given situation, her idea is implemented, not his. (As a rule, women do not have a big problem with accepting the influence of men, so Gottman describes this as asymmetrical)
These three principles: community, autonomy, and partnership, stem from the construction of the human being. Not from ideology, not from theory. Just from pragmatics, from observing people's behavior, from studies on happiness in a couple. Depending on the character of both individuals and the stage in life, community, autonomy, and partnership may be realized in different ways and will not look the same for everyone and in all aspects. However, it is not possible to compromise by sacrificing even one of them, while at the same time avoiding long-term unpleasant consequences.
Which is a clear indication to still take care of this trio and even do a periodic "check-up" to see if everything is okay.
From a financial perspective, these three values are reflected in the financial model of a declared relationship. Because money is symbolic.
But that's a topic for another article.
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