Dougal: “Can I stay up tonight to watch the scary film? ” Ted: “Ah, no no no. The last time you stayed up to watch a scary film you ended up having to sleep in my bed. I wouldn’t mind, but it wasn’t even a scary film. ”

  1. A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
  2.  I didn’t know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs? 
  3. They always take things literally. What kind of exercise do lazy people do? Diddly-squats. Local man killed by falling piano. It will be a low key funeral. 
  4. I once had a teacher with a lazy eye. She couldn’t control her pupils. 
  5. Sergeant Deegan: “God, this reminds me of Vietnam.” Ted: “Were you in Vietnam, sergeant?” Sergeant Deegan: “Ah, no no, I mean, you know, the films.
  6. ”Mrs Doyle: “It doesn’t matter what day it is, Father. There is always time for a nice cup of tea! Didn’t our Lord Himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea before giving Himself up for the world?”

    7. Dougal: “I love egg. In fact sometimes I think I’m going to turn into a big giant egg.” Ted: “I think that process has already begun.”

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